me.

doesn't this picture remind you of just.. "BLAH"
well I couldn't have found any other picture as perfect as this to describe how i feel.
I just finished day 17 of insanity and i feel AWESOME but at the same time "blah" hahaha.

Aside from this, this week has brought about a lot of things that i didn't see coming.
I'm really not sure if anyone reads this, and i don't want you to think i'm some pessimistic person who only writes about depressing circumstances or problems that i have in my life.. but thats not the case at all.

This is my way of releasing everything i cant tell anyone in person.
... because no matter how much of a big deal it may be to me, no one and i mean NO ONE except one may ever really get how i feel.
But this problem... this one thing that i cant tell anyone not even YOU .. is the reason why i'm not directly telling anyone.. its the reason why its just me and this box in which i write. i really like it .. not only does it not judge me for feeling that way i do.. but even though it may not say anything in return..such as words of comfort or what not.. it is exactly why i love it.

These past few days... i have come to the realization that i may have lost the center of my life. we talk, we still have this incredible connection, we share feelings for each other that only you and i can only understand... but the problem is.. or where the disconnect enters is in the fact that you dont want to be in a relationship right now. I dont completely understand it, but im trying and i really want to.. not only for myself but for you. for some reason, no matter how much i want to accept it and respect your decision i just cant. what all of a sudden has triggered this change in mind? why after 5 almost 6 years of being together you decide that you want to see if this is really right? i know were young, i know theres so much out there.. but how come i know. How come i know at this very second in time that i want to be with you and that regardless of how young we are and how much is out there.. i know... i know that i want to be with you. Please tell me how come you dont know after so long.. the fact that your hesitant, or not wanting this right now hurts something deep within me. I cant even begin to explain.. not to you.. not to anyone. Please help me to understand. It's been so long and im not use to having my bestfriend, my love, my life just all of a sudden drop me like this. I dont know what to think, how to feel, but im hoping this is whats best for us.. for you. For the first time in my life, i feel abandoned by you and the comfort you once held over me and i miss it so much. i miss it so much, i miss YOU so much. come back to me.

love, always
even when its hard.