fresh.

is it bad to say that i need to refresh 2010 already!?

2009:
cant really remember anything worth stating.. which is incredibly sad.

Thank you Lord for another year
-getting me through highschool
-protecting me & all my love ones daily.

i ask for your continued guidance and protection this year.

PLEASE: let 2010 be different..spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

PS: i think that 2009 has definitely re blossomed & strengthened old & new friendships.

...im glad to have you guys in my life, to comfort me & support me..

to state one of many: zari leigh caragdag
we both went through so much this year & i am utterly grateful we had each other to push us up that steep steep incline ILOVEYOU

&to the new, we'll see what else this year brings for us :]

idk.

i don't know:
where you are
how you're doing
how you feel
if you miss me
or if you even need me.

...this has certainly been the longest ive ever fully NOT talk to you.
its sucks..

(writing in here helps me release so much sadness, anger, etc..)

my feet are in quick sand & im trying to move forward.
i need some help.

i dont think anyone but you understands how i feel.
its a terrible & scary thought that you're probably the only person who ever really understands me.
what now? who now.. is there for me?

where are you? tell me
how are you? tell me
how do you feel? tell me
do you miss me? tell me
& do you still need me? tell me

Today...i forgot... but only for a moment. :/

i have SOOO much to tell you about today.. things id usually tell you..
(i saw karen, karens live in boyfriend, rachelle, and frank)..ugh so much to say, wish i could.
..dont even feel like returning, just want to stay here in sunland...where its a little less lonely.

i found one last thing to atleast give me a glimpse into my curiosities concerning you..
ill keep it a secret... please let me keep it.

today.

is a new day.

i don't plan to sulk.
...life's too short.

time to break out of what i'm use too.

Thank you Lord for another day.

meeting up with good, happy people that i havent seen in a while. :]

TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY.

UPDATE:


..ive missed these fools.
they allowed me to forget, for a little.

anything.

but happy.

hit me hard, its hitting me hard.

..just need to keep myself busy and surround myself with good people.

real talk.

the nights are as equally tough as the days.
it feels real this time.

i feel dead. alone...

reasons reasons reasons FOR EVERYTHING.
i feel sick.
...seems really easy for you .. doing whatever your doing.
its different this time. were different.
thats what ill keep telling myself..
WERE JUST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE NOW.

now for the hard part. transitioning from having you for the past 5 years..
to having...:/ i dont even know.


posted this before, but i could listen to it all day.. again & again
(no doubt, by far my favorite (youtube or not) artist right now) in love with her voice.


God, give me the strength & my family, friends and i the happiness amidst the storm.

selfish.

YES YOU ARE.

but now i'm ready to be selfish for my own good.
and i am determined to be happy.

im so ______ at you!

-bye

untitled.

yesterday:
brought my sister around loma linda to do her family visits before she heads back for SF today, didnt realize how much ive missed them soo much and didnt realize how much i will be missing my sister when she heads back.

..got back to sunland around 9.. watched A LOT of TV -_-
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME I WATCHED A CLIPPER GAME!
couldnt miss the replay..winning by 2 with 1 second left.
better yet against BOSTON.. sure showed me that
"anything happens" ..in the NBA:]

TODAY:
-its about time for a run
-first change oil change for my baby car
-ice skating in pasadena


a general thought for the past, the present, & the future

when it come to love.. i expect everything and to give everything.
youve given me everything.. and i feel you deserve the same.
... but in order for me to be completely honest and true to you..
i cant right now. and regardless of how much it hurts and how just thinking about us not being together makes me cry.. this is only right, this is only fair, this is what you deserve..



you'll always be apart of my life
... love isnt a lie.