idk.

i don't know:
where you are
how you're doing
how you feel
if you miss me
or if you even need me.

...this has certainly been the longest ive ever fully NOT talk to you.
its sucks..

(writing in here helps me release so much sadness, anger, etc..)

my feet are in quick sand & im trying to move forward.
i need some help.

i dont think anyone but you understands how i feel.
its a terrible & scary thought that you're probably the only person who ever really understands me.
what now? who now.. is there for me?

where are you? tell me
how are you? tell me
how do you feel? tell me
do you miss me? tell me
& do you still need me? tell me

Today...i forgot... but only for a moment. :/

i have SOOO much to tell you about today.. things id usually tell you..
(i saw karen, karens live in boyfriend, rachelle, and frank)..ugh so much to say, wish i could.
..dont even feel like returning, just want to stay here in sunland...where its a little less lonely.

i found one last thing to atleast give me a glimpse into my curiosities concerning you..
ill keep it a secret... please let me keep it.

today.

is a new day.

i don't plan to sulk.
...life's too short.

time to break out of what i'm use too.

Thank you Lord for another day.

meeting up with good, happy people that i havent seen in a while. :]

TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY.

UPDATE:


..ive missed these fools.
they allowed me to forget, for a little.

anything.

but happy.

hit me hard, its hitting me hard.

..just need to keep myself busy and surround myself with good people.

real talk.

the nights are as equally tough as the days.
it feels real this time.

i feel dead. alone...

reasons reasons reasons FOR EVERYTHING.
i feel sick.
...seems really easy for you .. doing whatever your doing.
its different this time. were different.
thats what ill keep telling myself..
WERE JUST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE NOW.

now for the hard part. transitioning from having you for the past 5 years..
to having...:/ i dont even know.


posted this before, but i could listen to it all day.. again & again
(no doubt, by far my favorite (youtube or not) artist right now) in love with her voice.


God, give me the strength & my family, friends and i the happiness amidst the storm.

selfish.

YES YOU ARE.

but now i'm ready to be selfish for my own good.
and i am determined to be happy.

im so ______ at you!

-bye

untitled.

yesterday:
brought my sister around loma linda to do her family visits before she heads back for SF today, didnt realize how much ive missed them soo much and didnt realize how much i will be missing my sister when she heads back.

..got back to sunland around 9.. watched A LOT of TV -_-
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME I WATCHED A CLIPPER GAME!
couldnt miss the replay..winning by 2 with 1 second left.
better yet against BOSTON.. sure showed me that
"anything happens" ..in the NBA:]

TODAY:
-its about time for a run
-first change oil change for my baby car
-ice skating in pasadena


a general thought for the past, the present, & the future

when it come to love.. i expect everything and to give everything.
youve given me everything.. and i feel you deserve the same.
... but in order for me to be completely honest and true to you..
i cant right now. and regardless of how much it hurts and how just thinking about us not being together makes me cry.. this is only right, this is only fair, this is what you deserve..



you'll always be apart of my life
... love isnt a lie.

automatic.

when it comes to you, everything automatic

wish i could manually turn it off.

ANYWAYS HERES ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHURCH SONGS :]




happy sabbath everyone!

christmas eve.

has never felt soo NON festive. hahaha
miss the good ol' days
BUT I AM DETERMINED TO MAKE THE BEST OUT OF THIS ONE.




..chris brown hahaha..

plethora

OF EMOTIONS

happy because of the holidays.
confused because of boys.
sad because ive never felt so confused.
helpless because i am.
frustrated because its the same thing and the same person ALL the time.
angry because he's blind & because i am as well.
sick because of these emotions.

help me.

all in one.

SUNDAY NIGHT:
daniel & i watched a 10:25 pm showing in 3D (hence the picture of 3D sunglasses) with dars & mikee
length: 2hrs & 40 min?.. didnt even realize it was that long..
WAS NOT PREDICTABLE AT ALL, like some films.
...had NO idea what it was about but in the end..
it earned my recommendation.



MONDAY:
drove home around 4ish
i was met with this...



took it while i was driving ^_^

MONDAY NIGHT:
had dinner at pasadena: yardhouse with a bunch of old friends from elementary/ jr. high
didnt realize how much ive missed having them around.. it was too fun
-arielle & my attempt to rap
-"wackin wackin off"

OG PG's




-minus kayla who didnt get to come :/

kiss muss dinnuh

last night was prettttty funn.
im glad i got to see so many faces.
esp. bf mel.
white elephant was a success?
i got a ginger bread house kit.
weeeee cant wait to make it :]]]
(thanks mel)
but anyways... glad people took the time to come out.
memories are precious.






i love them deep down inside.

asdfghjkl. continuation.

ive spent the last 9 hours doing my art paper.
almost dont but GAH! wow..
tomorrow: add a few finishing touches and walla..
gets turned in with the rest and POOF my stress shall cease to exist no more.
..just cant wait till its off my plate.
but for now im OFF to bed.
these past few weeks have been awfully tiring.. my sleeping habits have failed my body.
im sorry body forgive me.. Christmas is coming soon.
cant believe its next week.. good thing someone pointed it out.

BTW: in conjunction with bringing up Christmas
look what my seeester bought :]



ever since we moved here shes been looking forward to buying the tree and putting it in that perfect spot for ALL to see.
we just decorated it last night.. its NOT great.. buts we have a nice smelly tree. mmm

-goodnight. <3

thanks for the SOUL food BF

asdfghjkl.

LAST DAY OF FINALS..

ONE PROBLEM!! -_________-

i have yet to finish my research paper
due tomorrow 5pm.

stress still encumbers me. FML

guess who's going to be at the library ALL DAY/NIGHT
ME :| on the last day of my finals ugh..

my fault BUT AHHH! just cant wait to finally be FREEE of anything school related..
just want a BREAK!!!

Lord, please help me get this done TODAY/TONIGHT.
thanks.

this week.

SUN: Panera, studied for hours.
-mama drama for zarbar. :/

MON:finished psych final.
HOW I FELT ABOUT IT?: NOT too confident but i think i got an A, hopefully:]
UPDATE: just checked NOW and i got an A on the final 243/250 & an A in the class 919/1000
this made my life!!! well day YAY :]

TODAY: art BUT since i did my presentation last week i was done. it was a breeze
-still need to finish my art research paper due fri. 5pm
procrastinating like CRAZY on it..

(i made a schedule so that this week would go by smoothly.. pretty much have sticked to it..
EXCEPT for the fact that ive been holding back on my art paper that i scheduled to start YESTERDAY.. im a day behind.. i dont like it .. but i think ill make myself 2 days behind (^__^ joys of high school procrastination has followed me)

TOMORROW: turn in humanities essay (which i finished WAY on time) .. SAT night? wow.. ive never done anything 3 days early... thats an improvement :] AFTER-HOMEBOUND (and maybe work on art and anthro ec :)

THRS: a little anthro. test

&.. HOPE I GET THAT ART ESSAY DONE BY 5PM FRI :]

boys are:

Oblivious..
oblivious to how you feel
oblivious to what you need
oblivious to what you want

OPEN YOUR MIND, YOUR EYES, & YOUR ARMS
&hold my feeling, my needs, my wants close.

realize that this too is something

YOU FEEL
YOU NEED
YOU WANT

AND please, wake up.
wake ME up.

-lmm

matches the rain.. maybe.

day'zed.

finally go some burts :) -tnx



cold/rain=lazy.

... now all im wondering is:

what will today bring?

-productiveness on my part? HOPEFULLY.

TO DO LIST:
hum. paper.
study for psych. final
study for ant. final
do ant. extra credit
art research paper.
laundry.

God... help me find the strength inside to do what i got to do.

who knew lady gaga sang like this too.

think about it.

"Conquer yourself rather than the world."

-Descartes


its true.

torn.

between religion and life itself.

help me Father.

PS. Thanksgiving was yesterday
-thank you for family, friends, life, opportunity and basically EVERYTHING i have

even though i am entirely in pain at the idea of our family not being quite the same, and by the same i mean being one of the tightest, most close knit, fun-loving families ever.
A family that enjoyed every second together, taking in each other company: living, laughing, loving....

i pray that God will mend, He knows whats best.

BECAUSE:

"life is definitely better with company" & miss it.


PSS. IM SO ANGRY AT YOU GUYS FOR DOING THIS TO OUR FAMILY; WEVE BEEN DIVIDED AS A RESULT OF YOUR DECISIONS...HOW SELFISH

but i will pray not only for myself but for you guys as well... dont want to feel this way
WE JUST ALL NEED FORGIVENESS... Father, help us find it in us.

seriously.

the way you answered the question just proves to me even more that i made the right choice.
im SO over it...
i was looking for some kind of sign to tell me that i was making the wrong decision but i guess..
i wasnt.


saying im not emo contradicts this picture.. honestly not though
but i had fun editing it. :]



photo: kay minimo.


PS: ive decided to pick up a new hobby of photography/editing.
AND my dad is possibly going to grant me the priviledge of having 1 of his 7 cameras.
hoooray!

airport.

just arrived and it feels good to be away.

but rewind..
i think the airport is one of the most amazing places on earth.
we see people we may never see again.
people from all over the world.
i love sitting back and just observing..
"i people watch" :]
as creepy as that may sound..
people are just soooo great.

im living this weekend on a positive note
AND.. i WILL have fun :]

thank you God for getting us here safely.
night everyone...

YOU, mmhmm YOU, your something special.
hope this made your day/night...

<33 lmm

feel so.

ALONE..
im tired of feeling this way.
im tired of crying about thing i shouldnt be crying about.
im tired of having your mixed emotions thrown at me.

i feel so alone.
i miss home..
i miss my mom and dad.
i miss my bestfriend.
i miss tons of friends who ive taken forgranted.

i feel like your fake.
ugh! i feel like the person you are is the person i ____
but the one person who's dragging me down.

you make me cry.
you make me sad.
you make me confused.
you take me forgranted.
you will never ever know how i feel.

like:love

i hate the fact that i could find something to relate to in every song.
its ridiculous..
but here i am, listening to the same one over and over again.
i guess in a way it gives me some sense of control, comfort..
to know someone feels the same way?

theres someone out there, you know who you are..
who loves me unconditionally
and theres no doubt in my mind that it isn't flawed..
i just wish... we were on the same paths.
but not now.. maybe it'll happen to cross later on?
..i promise that regardless of what we are, who we are, what we choose to do ..
that i have your back and you have mine.
you're my bestfriend, and you know me on a higher plateau than anyone does & for that..
i know this isnt some kind of bitchass ending.. its only the beginning.
you have definitely set some kind of standard and measurig stick for everyone who has and will come into my life.
i adore you.

whats next?: a chance to see & explore.

realizations.

lately, lately, lately..
i've been on some kind of quest..
for someone, or something.. to fill this emptiness?

talked to a friend and he got me thinking..
"you dont need someone to help you find that connection to God, its between you and Him"

from that point on i guess ive realized ive been looking for something i dont really need..

my sister sent me an email today..
"God doesnt give you what you want, he gives you what you need."

& just maybe, maybe, maybe your ONLY what ive wanted, not what ive needed.

...i have to find my way on my own.

i want to know..

what i want and need.

& for once in my life..

i just dont know.

favorited.

been talkin for awhile,
i know i make you smile
i'm really feelin you, yeah
the time i spend with you
makes my dreams come true,
and you don't have a clue, yeah
he's got me so confused
is he feeling me
cause i'm feelin him, oh yeah
i need to tell you this
you're on my wish list
and i want to be with you

but he just said we're friends
just friends
just friends
just friends
but he just says we're friends
just friends
just friends
just friends

it seems it's going fine
i think it's about that time
to tell him how i feel, yeah
nervousness inside, he's standing by my side
it's time to seal the deal
he's got me so confused
is he feeling me
cause i'm feelin him
i layed it all out there
for him to hear
and he said this to me

[Chorus]

i tried to play it off, never happened,
i had to deal with being just friends
i just got hit by something so huge
i can't ever be with you

[Chorus]

he just says we're friends
(what can i do)
just friends
(what can i say, to make you mine)
just friends
just friends

he just say's we're friends
(What can i do)
just friends
(what can i say, to make you mine)
just friends
just friends

praying for eyes.

due to the situation im in, ive found myself praying more often
theres a reason for everything..and maybe this is to bring me closer to God

Dear God,

Help me look at this situation through clearer more optimistic eyes.

Amen.

btw: thank you for another year of life.

vent & release.

-i think this past week has been the worst yet.
-my hearts all jumbled..
-ive never felt so vulnerable or helpless.
-where did things go wrong?
-its so difficult because sometimes you cant help or control how you feel.
-why are you so hard to read, did i read too deep into it
-why do i even care about you
-ive always loved you
-your my bestfriend
-what am i looking for
-why do you send me mixed signals and mess with my emotions.
-why does it hurt

.... why why why why i wish it never happened and left it as is..
-because then i wouldnt have realized something so great.


its all out but not really.

Scared...

that no one is gonna love me quite as well.

i hate...

how everything reminds me of you.
how im just so damn confused.
how i know theres nothing better..
but yet im still searching for something better..
how all ive known for the past 5 years is you.
how what weve had was..is?? so comfortable
and how i dont know if ill find something as comfortable.
how i dont know if being comfortable is enough..
or how i dont know if comfort was all it was.
how your so good to me..
and how im so damn cconfused.
im just confused. confused. confused.



i wish life came with a refresh button.

im gonna.

go with the motion of the ocean but to my own flow.

naturally beautiful.

there are countless things on this earth which ours minds interpret to be beautiful.
but i personally believe even more that those which are in their natural state exude something more than that of beauty.
dont get me wrong, man has created indefinite numbers of beauty AND at times even help us see natural beauty in a more luminous light ..
take this petty example..
man created this beautiful tank and the song to go along..
although the image and the words dont go hand in hand, it somehow does go hand in hand;
stirring about intense emotions in us and bringing us to a whole new level of high.
who would of thought a still frame could encompass such power.
everything about it, is just naturally beautiful.
oh man.. i think i over exaggerated, but it is what it is.

cali is blazing.

ON FIRE..
im at a far enough distance from the la canada fire;
located on the other side of this huge mountain..
but that mountain isnt stoppng anyting from comning this way..
and the wind isnt helping either.
all the windows are shut but still the stench is pretty strong.
its gross outside, doesnt look safe at all..
its some weird orange color, its smoggy/dark and i believe there are ashes all over my car.
i pray it goes away soon.

RIP Soldier.

"shocked!"
just a few weeks before school ended my econ teacher offered us 50 points extra credit.
with such an offer i jumped on it right away; all we had to do was buy an acceptable goodie and write a letter to one of the math teachers brothers who was heading for iraq.
i thought "wow 50 points extra credit? with no work at all? and it benefits those fighting for us?! right on!"
i wrote the letter with ease, thanking him and telling him he would be in my prayers.
little did i know.... thats all i could say, little did i know
just today while in the bathroom ^_^ (sorry) i was reading the newspaper and i happen to turn it around..
there it was... a soldier was killed by a roadside bombing
not anything unusual or unccommon now a days..
but this one caught my eye... his name sounded familiar, he was from glendale, and as i continued on, i saw the teachers name who taught at my school.
i was in complete shock.. all i could say was "wow, out of all the soldiers.. it happen to be the one i wrote to.."
this just showed me how fragile life is .. and just like i said in my letter..
"thank you for fighting for our country, you will always be in my prayers."

august 9, 2009.

i know its been approx. 13 days since this date but i figured i cant hold it off any longer.
on sunday august 9, 2009 daniel and i celebrated? our 5 year anniversary.
your thoughts: "holy crap!!" "no way, are you serious?"
well, YES holy crap and YES i am entirely serious!
the past 5 years have been PERFECT? absolutely NOT..but what is these days.
all i could say is that.. were going strong.. NO REGRETS..
this guy has put up with a lot. esp. my BEE fits and bipolar ways, and to him i owe the world.
thank you for a wonderful day complete with breakfast, lunch, and dinner haha<3

bye.

i deleted all my posts. starting over.